Last updated: July 18. 2013 7:24PM - 192 Views
Will E. Sanders
Creators Syndicate

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Dear Parker Brothers,

I am a satisfied customer who has a couple of queries regarding your wonderful, ageless classic Monopoly. I have played Monopoly my entire life and yet when I think back I can’t recall ever actually finishing a game.

One time I almost finished a game when I was a kid, but my older brother, Dustin, flipped the game board off the kitchen table. I’m not sure if that has ever happened to you, but essentially it’s a game-ender. I mean, the game board flipped in the air like it was shot out of a catapult. Little green houses and miniature red hotels fell from the sky — a few went into the ceiling fan and ricocheted with great velocity. Colorful fake money, chance and community chests cards were raining down all around us. Even the two dice bounced back down on top of the overturned game board.

Double sixes!

Oh no, I remember thinking, I don’t want Dustin to take another turn!

This isn’t my actual question, but I don’t write fake letters too often so I’ll go ahead and ask. If a Monopoly participant flips, jerks, throws or otherwise vandalizes the playing surface in a bout of uncontrolled sibling rage does he or she ultimately and automatically forfeit the game?

I would imagine so of course, for I feel it violates the spirit of the game.

I notice on the side of the box it reads the game pieces are a choking/safety hazard for children five and under. This might seem like a random question but does that mean I won’t choke on one if I intentionally consume one? Because I have to level with you, I’m fairly certain I could eat the thimble and have it pass unmolested through my digestive tract successfully. That would be the one I would eat if I had to, like, if I was forced at gunpoint to eat one of the 12 Monopoly pieces. The howitzer and the man on horseback are way too pointy to risk it with.

Another question I had is the reason I am writing. The other night my beautiful, brand-new wife, Christine, and I reached an unpleasant impasse.

She wanted to be the racecar.

I wanted to be the racecar.

Heck, I bet if you polled the country everybody would want to be the racecar. Nobody voluntarily picks the wheelbarrow, do they?

Long story short we didn’t know how to settle the racecar stalemate. Christine politely suggested a coin flip. I continued to whimper and threw a tantrum, unwilling to back down.

“Stop acting so childish,” I murmured.

How should these petty squabbles be handled? That is to say, short of a knife fight or a bare-knuckled brawl who gets first dibs on the racecar?

Christine foolishly maintains I show a little chivalry. I say that in a fast-dealing property trading game that promotes faulty banking methods and encourages negligent lending practices there is no such thing as chivalry.

She claims I should pick another game piece and move on. I told her that was an easy sentiment to possess. She wasn’t the one who forked over $44.95 for Monopoly (The Godfather Edition), and I was.

So does the owner of the game itself carry any special privilege with it? The rules fail to address this crucial issue. In your opinion should I or should I not get first dibs?

Further complicating this matter is the fact that, while I did purchase the board game, it was a birthday present to Christine. We debated for a half-hour over this.

She is right. I did buy that particular version of Monopoly as a present for her, but I didn’t really buy it for her. I bought it for her — for me. I know it sounds selfish, but I’ve always wanted a reason to say, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse,” during a game of Monopoly.

Anyway, if you could get back with me and weigh in on these matters I would greatly appreciate it. Until you do, I will not pass Go or collect $200.

To contact Will E Sanders email him at wille@willesanders.com.

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